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[sstylianou1976]

A guy goes to a bar and approaches a lady sitting by herself.

Guy: "May I buy you a beer?"

Lady: "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."

Guy: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they spread!"

[sstylianou1976]

[sstylianou1976]

10 thoughts for the day

10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without
an erection, make him a sandwich.

7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

6 - Some people are like a Slinky... Not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p

2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK:
We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions
of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of
illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA
in charge of immigration.

[sstylianou1976]

How men can amuse themselves when taken shopping!!!!!!!


HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO'S

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her Husband or boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a Customer in Oxford :


Dear Mrs. Murray ,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your Husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all Verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's Trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute Intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to Feminine Products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code3' in housewares..... And watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing Department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor Gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the Antidepressants were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna' look using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, Yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'


We thank you for your patronage, but please leave your husband at home.

Tesco.

Banbury.

[Scottishchick]

Stelios

I loved this joke - had me and half the staff in my office laughing big time.

[sstylianou1976]

Glad you liked it Di it also had me in stiches too with this joke.

Best regards,

sstylianou1976

[sstylianou1976]

Everybody call their dog "Rover" or "Boy" I call mine "Sex" He's a Great pal but he has caused me A great deal of embarrassment. When I Went to city hall to get his dog license , I told the clerk I would like a license foe sex. He said 'I'd like a like one too!" I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, "I've had sex since I was 9 years old"He said "You must have been quite a kid"

When I went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said "you don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, you don't understand, "Sex keeps me awake at night" The Clerk said " Funny- I have the same problem."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, But the dog ran away. Another contestant asked why I was Standing There. looking disappointed. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold tickets. "You don't understand," I said "I had hoped to have Sex on TV" He said "Now that cable is all over the place It's no big deal."

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight over the dog. I said " Your Honor I had Sex before I was married. " The judge said, "this courtroom isn't a confessional;. Stick to the case." I told him that after I was married , Sex left me. He said that happens to a lot of people.

Last night sex ran off again. I spent hours looking for him. A cop came over to me and asked " what are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex... My case comes up Friday!

[sstylianou1976]

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

[sstylianou1976]

Top Ten Reasons

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your a** in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

[sstylianou1976]

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."



A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.